@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

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@leonardcowalski

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

@JustMeTurtle

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

@WilliamRodgers

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

@dxblarssonENG

Job interview: ” if you want the job lick the floor”
-what?
-lick the floor if you want the job
*licks floor*
Eww gross, can’t hire that guy

@Book_Krazy

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

@aka_fatman

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

@SadPeruna

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?