@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

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@Pro_Jones_

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

@veggiefemme

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

@_NinJar

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

@NormsRespecter

Just remembered that time on here that a British person complained about how all other countries have an independence day and the United Kingdom doesn’t

@Eagle_Vision

My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

@senorwinces

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

@lakeanagirl

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That’s it. No more reading!