[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
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Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
How all things should be taught/explained.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”