Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
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Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Why does laundry happen to good people?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.