[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
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Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot