please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…