Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.
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DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.