In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.

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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.


DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here


therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no


If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.


Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.


Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.


I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”


What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.


Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.