In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

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them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry what?

them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry i have bad hearing, one more time?

them: *unintelligible but louder*

me: haha yeah


My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.


[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?


Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds


Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?


If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.


Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.


Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.


My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.


I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.