In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
any last words?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It鈥檚 like he stood there and thought about it.
I hope someone asks me what鈥檚 in my pocket because it鈥檚 the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Don鈥檛 try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Our family鈥檚 sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 馃し
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
馃幎 Hummus a tune you鈥檙e the falafel man 馃幎
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
You鈥檙e 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.