It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends!
ANGEL: Ok next creation … The anteater.
ANTS: The what now?
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
7: I need a pet pig so I can always have bacon.
Me: There are some fundamental flaws in your plan but I like the way you think.