In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
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[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory