in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
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Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences