in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
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I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
jesus, what did this guy do
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others