@RatBatallion

In Canada, Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis.

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@Michael1979

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

@HomeWithPeanut

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

@timdonakowski

My new career path:

1. Learn soccer
2. Move to Ghana
3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer

@SprtsHumor

Experts determine Super Bowl blackout was an electrical issue, also determine grass has a green issue.

@arcadeseals

doctor: how are you feeling

me: with nerve endings, you should really know this

@Book_Krazy

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

@clichedout

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

@graceful_asfuck

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

@KentWGraham

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.