I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
In Canada, Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis.
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ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.
ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Me: No, on plates, you fool
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–