Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
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Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Tastes like chicken.
channeling her this year
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Dead sexy!!