@RatBatallion

In Canada, Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

@thenatewolf

ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.

DETECTIVE: [sighs]

ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.

@ThisPlaceAgain

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

@PunLovinLad

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

@TheTonyHowell

My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

@buttgh0st

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

@TravLeBlanc

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

@BGH70

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

@MrFjayy

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–