In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.