@CrockettForReal

In Canada they just call them geese

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@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

@Marlebean

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

@Try2StopME

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

@1followernodad

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

@_ElvishPresley_

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

@withanewname

Wife: “you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?”
Me: “why?”
W:
M:
W: “they’re running along side the car”

@garrettbarry70

So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don’t taste any different.

@rambo_dogg

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending