@CrockettForReal

In Canada they just call them geese

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@rickygervais

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

@drayzze

The best part about being single is only having to say “I’m sorry” to the dog.

@eric10F

Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors….

The Ginger Bred House.

@JediGigi

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

@Brampersandon_

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

@KentWGraham

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.