In Canada they just call them geese
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
The iPhone 5 will be able to print bacon
The best part about being single is only having to say “I’m sorry” to the dog.
Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors….
The Ginger Bred House.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
How do you milk an almond?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.