@aneesa_p

In Canada, we don’t count by Mississippi’s, we count by Saskatchewan’s.

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@Twitmytweeties

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

@SoVeryBritish

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

@goodowens

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

@GorillaNipples1

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

@thesulk

Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.

@BigHeb7

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

@lloydrang

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

@trojansauce

[me as a poltergeist]
*replacing the coffee with decaf* ooooOooOooooo

@NoogsCorner

An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.