No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
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has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.