[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
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I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work