[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.


My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.


oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples


My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…


I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?


Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.


Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY


Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.


My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.


[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are