@murrman5

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

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@PetrickSara

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

@shkeeber

My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.

@JhonRules

oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples

@MissNaughty1801

My kids had head lice once so please don’t tell me about your home invasion…

@RickAaron

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

@kimt205

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

@fro_vo

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

@Try2StopME

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

@copymama

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

@KylePlantEmoji

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are