[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
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The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.