Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
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Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
tourist season
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I can’t stop laughing at this
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
*jingles half the way*