In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.