@cray_at_home_ma

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

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@briangaar

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

@InternetHippo

Exhausted therapist just pointing to where he wrote “YOUR CHOICES” on a chalkboard with an arrow to where he wrote “CONSEQUENCES” and I’m staring at him and tilting my head like a dog

@causticbob

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

@pleasenodms

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

@BadMikeyBad

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

@novicefather

This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me.

That’s the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.

@sonictyrant

me: make me irresistible to all women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

@SteveDutzy

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you