In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
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Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
that wasn’t the question
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?