In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
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Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
c’mon!
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.