@roostermustache

[in catholic church]

Me: can i make a confession

Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU

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@super_morgasm

Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.

@LostFelicia

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

@sophielou

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

@enigmaterics

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

@notbedelia

My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.

@sploosk

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

@fro_vo

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane