Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.
[in catholic church]
Me: can i make a confession
Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU
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I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Women: *plans something*
Their periods showing up the next day:
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane