A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
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I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.