In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
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“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I am also baked goods
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.