@mostlysharks

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

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@garrettbarry70

Dad, was I a cocky teenager?

Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam….

DAAAD!

@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

@RorynotRoy

Give a man a compliment & he’ll be all, “Yeah, I’ve been working out.” Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he’ll be all, “I feel SO fat.”

@ByrdMan0914

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

@ProZD

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

@purch_s

Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.

@rameshsrivats

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

@GlennyRodge

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

@erconwell

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

@jwoodham

Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.