in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
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Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.