[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
This is my pinned tweet
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Hamburger Hinderer.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003