@RelatableJoke

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

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@Lisabug74

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

@kwirkyKerri

You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.
YOU’RE WELCOME.

@TragicAllyHere

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

@myonlymizztake

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

@grimpossible

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

@tracietom

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

@hasht4g

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

@jenlaw_11

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

@pilau

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

@TheCatWhisprer

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.