*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.


You said you wanted a video of me eating a banana. Nothing about me not slicing it.


I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode


Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor


Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.


Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.


I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.


And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so


Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up


Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.