[god inventing cows]
angels: *nodding* cheese
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
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Waitress: “Hi, my nam-”
Me: “Vodka martini, please.”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
………GO TO HELL!!
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.