[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
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5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
TRAIN’S HERE
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.