[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

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[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese


[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*


Oh no.


I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience


……bless you
……bless you
……bless you


What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”


I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker


“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor


I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.


And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.