@david8hughes

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

You Might Also Like

@mrjohndarby

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

@steve_jorbz

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

@badAzz_mom

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

@MarcusCVance

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

@PrisonCookies

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

@Thynebear

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

@Dschnoeb

I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.

@LostFelicia

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.