{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
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*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Usage Guidelines
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I love you…
…r dog.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Ummm