My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!
PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
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[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Me: Ok, here you go then
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
“Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
*GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.