@AndrewNadeau0

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

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@Henry_3k

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

@roxiqt

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

@isabelzawtun

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

@FatherWithTwins

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

@thatdutchperson

[Court]

“Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

Me: yes.

*GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

@jordan_stratton

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

@Rollinintheseat

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.