In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.


Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people


My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.


I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson


There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.


maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins


Me: Can I buy that chandelier?

Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself?

Me: No, I’m hanging it from the ceiling.


You may recognize me from such films as:

HR surveillance footage 11/13/12
HR surveillance footage 01/22/13
HR surveillance footage 02/28/13


Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.


I don’t call it “laziness.” I call it “selective participation.”