In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.