@ericONEderful

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

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@The_Sculptress

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

@aveuaskew

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

@SketchesbyBoze

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

@pembdave

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.

@TheMainlandBlog

If I can make even one person laugh on here then I’m not doing my job.

The job I actually get paid for.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

@barryjohnharper

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

@ThisOneSayz

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.