In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ