A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
You Might Also Like
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.