If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
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me: what kind of dog is that?
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
It feels like Obama’s been on tour longer than The Rolling Stones.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook
I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was ‘Yes, it is. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not.’
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.