In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
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My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.