@amelialikesyou

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

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@DomesticGoddss

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

@mrjohndarby

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

@dafloydsta

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

@notfunnyelle

I call my smoke detector gordon ramsay because it screams at me every time I cook

@Storminika

I asked a blonde friend to check if my blinker was working, her reply was ‘Yes, it is. No, it’s not. Yes, it is. No, it’s not.’

@xLiserx

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

@Darlainky

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

@Henry_3000

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.