[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
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Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”