[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
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I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Me trying to look natural in photos
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen