[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
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friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
You know I’m something of a chef myself
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN