@GoodNaps

*in court*
Your honor,this case must be thrown out
“On what grounds?”
*points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover*
*Judges head explodes*

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@Storminika

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

@Parkerlawyer

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

@bobvulfov

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

@HenpeckedHal

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

@KatieBurnett

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

@anildash

Eventually one of these Republican congressmen is going to find out his daughter is a woman, and then we’re all set.

@DepressedDarth

I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music

@EmilioEmm

It’s HOMOsapiens, not HETEROsapiens. It’s the Bi-ble, not the Straight-ble.