*in court*
Your honor,this case must be thrown out
“On what grounds?”
*points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover*
*Judges head explodes*

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what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night


How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.


ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.


“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”


Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.


Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.


I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well


The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.


“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn