1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle