[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

- @PleaseBeGneiss

You Might Also Like


[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse


[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery


Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?


You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.


all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone


You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.


Dream girl:
-can pull off wearing a hat
-a fan of the theater
-abolished slavery
-is Abraham Lincoln


[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.


hello 911
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know


Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it