@PleaseBeGneiss

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

- @PleaseBeGneiss

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@InternetHippo

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

@junejuly12

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

@TheBoydP

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

@LackOfShame

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

@hiitsmolly

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

@SarcasticSadOne

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

@kadyngriffiths

Dream girl:
-tall
-skinny
-can pull off wearing a hat
-honest
-a fan of the theater
-abolished slavery
-is Abraham Lincoln

@dafloydsta

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

@DillDoes

hello 911
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?

Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol

Cop: ok at least we know why he did it