I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
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Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.
In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too