[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
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boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
a lot to unpack here
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.