[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

- @PleaseBeGneiss

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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?


“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.


Like my priest always says, “Your confessions are the reason I drink.”


A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.


Him: ima call you at 11

Me at 11:01: all men do is lie


Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”


The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.


*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.


2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.