@PleaseBeGneiss

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

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@RealSudoNim

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

@ddsmidt

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

@negaversace

Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”

@AmberTozer

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

@ArfMeasures

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.

@Sickayduh

In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.

@CourtneyBale

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

@jimmytorosian

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.