Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
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*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Why is this me 😫
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.