@worley_7

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

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@daemonic3

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

@Uniquicorn

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

@skullmandible

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

@LowIifee

I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100

@jdawsey1

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

@IAmKatieOrr

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

@9to5Life

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

@copymama

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

@notviking

y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it