In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
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Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”