Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
You Might Also Like
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time