If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
You Might Also Like
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
What the hell happened in there??
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Happy birthday to all the women
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.