(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
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video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Challenge accepted.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions