(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
You Might Also Like
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Sex so good you see dead people.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified