@yaboydil

[In elevator]
Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*

[In elevator]
Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*

- @yaboydil

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@tracietom

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

@jonnysun

JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW

@DominicStraw

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

@AnnietheNanny1

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

@MKupperman

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

@tracietom

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

@ArfMeasures

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

@CoreyKeyz

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

@The_Grant_Boldt

*at Starbucks*

“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”

*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*