Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*
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Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that?
Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?
Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fly into a window.