If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.