@yaboydil

[In elevator]
Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*

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@JohnLyonTweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

@jimmytorosian

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

@AbrasiveGhost

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

@amydillon

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

@withanewname

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

@flashember

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

@markedly

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

@jonnysun

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

@_salt_n_lime

Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that?

Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?

@kerihw

Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s fly into a window.