[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Well, this explains it:
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.