In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

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Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?


“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*



Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.


Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.


50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds


If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they’ll stop inviting you to their kid’s birthday parties.


Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?


A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who’s stressing you out.


ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.